What Happens When Married Women Crush on Other People ?

Photo by Bojan on Adobe Stock

A blend of science and personal experience to let you know you’re normal

I have a crush. It’s a pretty big one that occupies lots of my solo-time thoughts these days. The reason it’s such a scintillating crush is the person I’m crushing on is one of the best human beings I know. It doesn’t hurt that he’s good looking and really, really nice to me.

Give me a good looking, kind, and intelligent man who likes me, and I’m a pile of mush.

I’m going to call this gentleman Robert for this story, but we all know I change names to protect people. My swinger-sense determined aa while ago that he was crushing as well, but I never asked because that might make our relationship awkward. We have a professional and friendly relationship, with a slight tilt towards the professional side.

On top of that, Robert is married, and his wife is definitely not into sharing.

I know she’s not into sharing because her reaction to my work-related texts is scrutiny. She went through Robert’s phone to make sure everything was above board. I’m not going to spend time judging that behavior here. I’ll just say I understand the emotional struggle that goes along with trying to supervise a spouse. It comes from deep-seated insecurity, and I wish I could hug this woman and let her know that her marriage is safe.

I try to reign in my flirting a bit with him because of our relationship dynamic and his marital status — usually, when I’m into someone, I am anything but subtle. I’m more of a “hey, I’m into you and want to take your clothes off,” than a bat my eyelashes and wait to get hit on sort of woman. With him, I tone it way down. I’m not going to proposition a married man unless his wife wants me to.

Apparently, I didn’t hide my lustful feelings very well.

During a phone call last night (professional, discussing pricing plans for his new website that I’m designing), it became clear that his wife did not want us talking. However, this man is building a business, and, because of our relationship, I’m helping him out (we’ve got a barter system going on). So, continuing our relationship is vital to his success.

Over the past few months, we’ve settled into a professional but slightly flirty vibe that is fun and doesn’t cross any lines. Admittedly, Robert’s better at restraint than I am.

Since I like this person, I do not want to impact his marriage negatively. So, I asked some questions. (Yes, I know that this is me trying to fix a situation I cannot fix…but I’m a fixer, so…).

“Do you need me to stop contacting you so much?”

“No, anytime you reach out is about the website. Keep doing that; I need this business to succeed.”

“Do you need me to tone down the flirty vibe? I know I can be a bit much.”

“Please don’t stop being you.”

“Alright, so you know, I will never put you in an uncomfortable spot because you’re a married man.”

Robert paused, just a beat, and then his voice changed from friendly to husky, “But you think about it, don’t you?”

That change in his voice had me biting my lower lip and squeezing my eyes shut, “I will never put you in an uncomfortable spot because you’re a married man.”

And I won’t. But I want to soooo bad!

Here’s the thing. Robert has a crush on me; I have a crush on him. We both know it. Neither of us will act on it because we are both grown-ass people with conviction. Even though Hubby and I aren’t monogamous, I’m not an idiot, and I believe in Karma. I don’t sleep with people in monogamous relationships (anymore… I did once), and he doesn’t want to ruin his marriage.

Most partnered women develop crushes

Crushes, affection, flirtation are fun, but they aren’t the stuff that builds a life-long love. Research in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy shows that women in long term relationships often develop crushes on people who aren’t their spouses. These attractions range from purely emotional crushes to full-scale affairs. There’s also a vast difference in how the crushes impact the woman’s partnership.

Most of the women in the study developed a crush simply because of physical attraction, though some admitted to emotional and intellectual factors. I’m going to be very upfront here and say that my crush fits all three categories, and that makes it even more delicious.

Not surprisingly, most women did not discuss their crushes with their primary partner, and those who did didn’t reveal the identity or depth of the attraction. If you’ve read any of my writing, you know that I’ve discussed this crush with Hubby and disclosed everything. That’s my choice, but I can certainly understand those who keep the details to themselves. Thankfully no one can audit our thoughts.

Alright, so women crush on people even when they’re in a committed relationship. Some women connected to these other people emotionally or intellectually, and most women don’t talk about it with their spouses. So, how does all this crushing affect the primary partnership?

The effect is usually neutral or positive. Women report that their crushes often help them refocus on the good qualities of their spouse. Focusing on the qualities that make your spouse yummy can help increase your sexual desire. Unfortunately, in relationships where the crush is more attentive than a significant other, a spouse’s sexual desire can wane in response.

What does it mean if my desire for my spouse is waning?

Well, for starters, it means you are a normal woman. Marta Meana is a University of Nevada researcher who’s conclusions about female sexuality have challenged how society teaches us we should behave. According to her research, women get bored in long term relationships faster than men. So, don’t beat yourself up if an attractive personal trainer caught your attention and made your panties wet. It’s normal.

So, how do we ensure this crush doesn’t negatively impact our marriage? First, how about we all take some extra time to nurture our relationships? If we do that, and our foundation is intense, no crush will shake the bond to its core.

Nurturing the relationship can mean taking a weekend without the kids to reconnect. It can mean that each of you finds hobbies outside the relationship to maintain your identity as autonomous individuals. (Autonomy is sexy as fuck.) If you need help figuring out how to nurture your relationship, you aren’t weak. You are just a normal human (again). If a Google search doesn’t spark some ideas, then check Psychology Today for a marriage therapist.

According to the Sex and Marital Therapy study, when an attraction to a new person harmed the primary relationship, it was almost always because the crush was more attentive and, therefore, more desirable than a primary partner.

If you’re crushing on someone and find your affection for your spouse waning, get thyself to a relationship counselor stat! A crush is not something to blow up a marriage over, but if developing feelings for someone else negatively impact your relationship, it’s a red flag for intervention.

As for Robert… he’s going to remain a crush because ethical behavior is essential to my self-esteem. In some ways, talking about it, and removing the secrecy of it makes it less of a big deal. I’m going to enjoy the fun, low key flirting and rock his web design project because I’m a grown-up who doesn’t have to act on every little feeling I have.

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